before you

I remember
Waking up to murky mornings
Skies all sullen, my heart alight
The time of year I love best
Expectant and wildly dreamy
A hint of romance in the air.

I love watching the rainclouds
Gather outside my tiny windows
I watch them huddle
Over the fields, and the trees
Just like me, they wait
With arms wide open.

There's loneliness here, something
I've grown to love.
Madness and desire
Which I've known with you.
The rain has always been
My long, long wait for you.
For every time it rains
It fills me with a deep, dark longing
I've always associated with you.

Even when I didn't know you
I've known, that you were out there
Somewhere
Singing in the rain, just as I was
Arms outstretched, and heart wide open.
A little bit of dark, and a dash of crazy too
I have felt your poetry,
Turn my insides to mush
On dark, cloudy mornings like this.

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sigh

When you hear him yawn while he's bathing, an hour after he's woken up, and find it cute as hell..
When he smiles at you and your heart does a disco..
When you find him incredibly sexy with his two day old stubble..
When you blush because he's teasing you over the phone..
When he drives you crazy with his dumb songs and you can't help but laugh..
When his eyes meet yours across a crowded platform, and the world ceases to exist..
When he makes you feel a thousand emotions at once..
When the little things he does make your heart feel like it's gonna burst with happiness..
When you feel thankful every single day, for what you have, inspite of the thunderclouds and storms..
When he's there by your side, silently, through the tantrums and the drama..
When you know he'll read this and rag you, and you're not afraid of it...
...you just know.

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When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the
north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred
feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you
may know the secrets of your heart, and in that
knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all
of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but
from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let
these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its
melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of
love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in
your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

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all along

It hauls me out of bed every morning, raps me on my head when I'm daydreaming. I let it build up. Even the waterworks don't help sometimes. Dread still clutches at my heart with its hideous, bony fingers, never quite letting loose. It makes my throat dry, and I picture terror in all its forms.

I seek escape.

I want to let this tiredness, that has been holding me down, seep out and dissolve in the ground. I open my eyes and see the trees; they have laid out a carpet of gold for me. Now I'm walking, and I feel the leaves crunch, like eggshells, underneath my feet. I've been so scared to tread on them all along. But I'm loving this feeling, walking on eggshells. This crunch is music to my ears.

The sky is a hue of crimson, and I sit still, till dusk descends and colors me blue. The blue of seas that have stories to tell, the blue of mystery and dreams, the blue of darkness. It soaks in, through numb veins and dying dreams. Darkness, with its age old charm, fills my soul like music. It hums a lullaby only I can hear. I sit still, while the world revolves around me. For a while I am Persephone, seduced by all that this darkness has to offer. I feel myself drown,
darkness slowly sucking out my soul.

And then, you overwhelm my senses. I see you through the fog, my senses heady with the fragrance of you. Darkness urges me to stay, but I yearn for the laughter, the hurt and the aching
tenderness that is us. Dark fades away, as you sift it out of me and bring me back. I don't know what
it is, but the moment your soul calls out to mine, I realize I can never drown. The light is harsh, but when I look at you through the haze, I see myself in your eyes. Too often have I run from you, scared of everything you offered. Darkness, with
promises of solitude, charmed me. I mistook it for happiness. But now I've tasted this bittersweet
emotion your love fills me with, and I know I never belonged anywhere else. Even on the
darkest of nights, I have sought you. My silent dreams have waited in yearning, for stars that were you. You, my light, my lover, have been in me all along.

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again

words fall
like ashes from cigarettes
and i am left
wanting for more.
there's this despondency
this hint of madness in me,
when you, with that wistful nod,
refuse to let me in.

and i wait again,
for the sun to melt
my frozen world.
i think i understand
why you cannot open these doors,
the way you understand
what lies beyond mine.

and there will be days
it won't rain
when the wind will
no longer howl
there will be days
with no poetry
or the fire of
all-consuming desire.

do let go then,
and tell me of your dreams
as i lie beside you
in wide open fields
and let me weave in stars
again, in our forgotten skies.

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it's a long wait
and being away
doesn't compare
to being with you.
shadows fade
my nights sparkle
with the sound
of your laughter.
there has never been
there never will be
anything this sweet,
this delightful.
for everyday
you gift me
moments, to
make up memories.
you give me
the darkest dreams,
and my tears you kiss away
with the softest songs.

if i could know
why you found me or how
i would rejoice, no doubt
but these hints you leave
so that i never know
give me far more to smile.

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mine

and some days
all i can do is
wait
for you
to come home
to me
and some days
all i can do is
wait
for you
to be mine
again

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